I’m writing about this because I need an outlet to process it all, but I’m also finding that so many others have walked through this as well. I wanted to open the door of communication for those who want to talk about it or simply say “you’re not alone.”
January 18, 2021 I took a pregnancy test assuming I was wasting a few dollars because I figured it’d be negative. However, I wanted to check just to be sure. I had those thoughts in the back of my mind telling me to check, so I mostly took the test to quiet those thoughts. I was shocked to see the positive test! My youngest daughter was 9 months at the time, and physically I just didn’t know I could get pregnant yet. I was in shock. I already loved that baby so much the moment I knew I was pregnant of course, but logistically, I was processing how my husband and I would handle 3 kids 3 and under.
We had barely begun to share with our immediate family members the news. On a Thursday night and about 4 weeks pregnant, I was at dinner with my sisters when I shared the news and watched them share in my excitement. The next morning, I started to bleed a little. My mind started racing, but after I called the doctor’s office, I felt a little better. They said it can be normal but if it continues to come in so they can check everything. By lunch the bleeding was significantly worse and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t feel prepared to know how to process this emotionally. My body had started processing something physically and I felt so out of control. Should I be making peace with what’s happening? I’ll spare you the details, but there are some things that can happen that just trigger a response in your head to think that something is not right. I wanted to pray for life and that the baby was holding on, but my brain kept telling me to say goodbye to this precious baby because they are going to be with Jesus before I have the opportunity to hold them in my arms. The nurse practitioner at the doctor’s office agreed that something was going on that indicated something abnormal with the pregnancy. We took a blood test to measure my HCG level (pregnancy hormone) to have a baseline to compare future blood tests to. This happened on a Friday, so I had to wait all weekend to find out the results on Monday. My numbers looked good—441–which corresponded with being about 4 weeks pregnant. They wanted me to come back in to measure again. I froze and felt numb when I saw the number—38. The number was dropping and dropping fast. My worst nightmare was coming true. My husband stayed home from work the rest of the day and we were just present with each other. Though I wasn’t very far along, there had already been so much discussion and planning around this new life, and my oldest daughter loved reminding me that mommy has a baby in her belly. It was so hard to tell her that baby is with Jesus and no longer in my belly.
Those couple weeks were the most difficult for me yet. My testimony through this valley has been that Jesus holds that sweet baby and that they are eternally in His presence. I will miss this baby so much but I look forward to standing next to them praising our Creator for all eternity one day. Mommy loves you little one.